


just as the waves crash into the shore, you and i will rise, and we will fall.

by emilyhotchner



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Sexual Tension, basically just every time we were absolutely robbed, except mostly from hotch's perspective, i like writing from his perspective because i too am in love with emily prentiss, kind of... i was lazy and didn't include beth, major major angst, set across the whole series, the whole shebang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29661684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyhotchner/pseuds/emilyhotchner
Summary: if the timing had been different, if maybe they'd been fated to meet under different circumstances, they could have been... somethinga story about the cruelty of fate. (or - the five times hotch loses emily)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	just as the waves crash into the shore, you and i will rise, and we will fall.

**Author's Note:**

> seen a lot of tumblr discourse recently about how robbed we were w hotchniss, and how many chances were missed to give them a good storyline - pair that with rewatching season 5, and this was born :) i've always thought their relationship could be divided into really clear stages - so this is that!
> 
> i'm still v new to writing, so any comments or pointers are always appreciated <3 much love

_one._

the first time, it doesn't really count.

he meets her for the first time on an early thursday morning as he's on his way to the ambassador's office, pausing when he hears raised voices followed by the slam of a door. she startles as she nearly walks straight into him, muttering a huffed apology before marching away, a waft of her perfume trailing after her. it's not hard to figure out who she is and it doesn't surprise him that the ambassador's daughter would be a formidable woman. she's quietly powerful, somehow - with fire in her eyes and determination in the set of her jaw, he thinks she's going to be a force to be reckoned with someday.

weeks later, she's in the garden on the phone to a friend, her laughter filtering through his office windows. she's all soft smiles and crinkled eyes, glowing in the haze of late august sunlight. he realises this is the first time he's seen her this relaxed, and thinks maybe it's a side to her that very few are privileged enough to see. he gets the feeling that emily prentiss rarely lets her guard down, not even in the comfort of her own home.

their interactions are few and far between - a nod of the head or a fleeting smile as they pass each other in the corridor. he doesn't get much time with her, and by the time she leaves for yale, its with a mere handshake and wishes of good luck.

he'll never see her again, he realises, and he decides that fate is a cruel, cruel thing. he thinks that if the timing had been different, if maybe they'd been fated to meet under different circumstances, they could have been friends.

_two._

the second time, he thinks he’s ruined things before they’d even started.

she'd joined the team at a bad time, he thinks. between elle, reid, and gideon, his stress levels are through the roof and _god_ he just doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with strauss and her political agenda right now.

so he may be slightly mistrustful of her.

 _(slightly?_ she laughs years later, eyes glittering with mirth as she recalls her first months with the BAU. _hotch, you couldn't trust me as far as you could throw me - even morgan thought it was overkill!_

he concedes with a half guilty smile. none of it matters anymore, because now he would trust her with his life)

as time goes on, and he watches her fit herself into their unconventional little family, he feels that mistrust start to dissipate. she's done nothing but prove herself to be a good agent since she joined, so he loosens up a little - but he senses the damage to their relationship has already been done. he watches as she becomes more comfortable around the team - flirting with morgan, teasing reid, gossiping with garcia and JJ - but keeps her distance from him. she's professional, of course, but she's cautious around him in a way she isn't with the others. he can't exactly blame her, but the part of him that decided all those years ago that they could've been good friends can't help but be slightly disappointed.

so when she stands at his office door and hands in her resignation, the guilt he feels at how he treated her is overwhelming. she meets his searching eyes and the furrow in his brow with an undaunted expression, and he knows there's nothing he can do to stop her from leaving but he's just _so_ confused and his gut is telling him that this is his fault. and then she shoots a pointed look at strauss, and he realises with startling clarity what she's just done for him, for the team - realises just how wrong he'd been about her.

(he thinks he was right about her though, when they first met, because she really did become a force to be reckoned with)

_three._

the third time, he falls apart.

after milwaukee, things start to change. there's a more stable foundation to their relationship now, and a tentative _something_ forms. they're not quite friends, not yet, but the tension that had previously encompassed their relationship seems to melt away.

but then there's new york, and he can feel her eyes on him but she's the only who doesn't coddle - and god if that isn't a testament to how well she understands him he doesn't know what is. worried glances aside, she carries on as usual, and he thinks the sense of normalcy she gives him feels like a breath of fresh air.

in colorado the ground shifts beneath his feet again. aaron hotchner is not a rash person, but with every cry he hears through his headphones, he feels his chest get that little bit tighter and if it wasn't for dave he thinks he may have blown the whole case. later, as he watches her stumble out of the compound, blood staining her shirt and ash clinging to her hair, he feels that tightness in his chest loosen just a little. feels his stuttering heart finally begin to settle as she shoots him a tired, but relieved smile, and he can't help but wonder just when she became so important to him.

things aren't quite the same after that. it starts with her bringing him a coffee one evening, when the bullpen is near empty - and he knows she's just using it as an excuse to check up on him and make sure he's actually planning on going home. it becomes a routine, and more often than not, they end up riding the elevator down to the car park together. he sees the glint in her eyes whenever she manages to pull a smile or two out of him, and he realises this is what she does - she trains with morgan, watches obscure russian movies with reid, and she does this for him. it's her way of showing that she cares, and he can't help the way his breath catches when he comes to that realisation.

so when he wakes in a daze to bright lights and that clinical smell that only hospitals have, the only thing that pulls him away from full blown panic is her pale hand wrapped around his, her thumb stroking his knuckles as he feels her voice wash over him.

 _it's okay,_ she tells him. _sleep. i'm here._

she doesn't really leave his side after that. in the month he's away from work she turns up at his apartment whenever she can, bags of takeout in her hands and armed with just about every conversation starter she can think of to steer his mind away from foyet. even when he returns to the BAU she makes a point of driving him to and from work, ignoring his half hearted resistance and pointed glares with nothing but an eyeroll. she knows it's just a front, and when he whispers a quiet thank you after she drops him off after work the first night, she just smiles. he thinks he would be lost without her.

one of those nights there's a moment where he's standing just a touch too close to her. here, he could count each eyelash that flickers as she gazes up at him, and his heart is beating out of his chest because she's _so_ close and god there's a strand of hair grazing her cheekbone that his fingers are just itching to tuck behind her ear. the air seems to crackle between them, and just as he whispers her name, their phones beep simultaneously, and the moment flickers away.

there's a new tension in the air after that. not an unwelcome one, more a quiet whisper of potential that leaves him aching when he wakes in the morning, dreams of silky raven hair and delicate skin a warm reprieve from his usual nightmares. everything about his life feels so, _so_ dark but every day she manages to keep him afloat for just that little bit longer is another day he promises himself that when this is over, when his family are finally safe, he'll tell her just how much she means to him.

but then everything around him crashes and burns. haley's gone and it's his fault and how will he ever be enough for jack? he's got so little of himself left to give that he can't even fathom giving his son anything less than his absolute all. and he knows he can't give her enough.

they never talk about it, because really, nothing ever happened. but as he catches her staring at him on the jet one day, a sad glimmer in her eyes, he hopes that maybe someday, they'll find their way back to each other again.

_ four. _

the fourth time, he's too late.

summer and autumn come and go, and he feels like he's barely keeping his head above water.

it's in the bitter cold of winter that he starts to feel like he can breathe again, the weight of the guilt that had woven itself around his lungs finally starting to lift. he lets himself enjoy things a little more, and it's that new outlook paired with a particularly gruelling case that has him agreeing to drinks with the team for the first time in way too long. he sees the poorly disguised look of shock in her eyes when he agrees (she'd been the one who insisted on asking him when everyone else assumed he would turn down the offer), but it quickly turns into a genuine smile that makes his heart flutter, and has him asking if she wants a lift to save her having to get a cab. he watches her face light up and thinks maybe, finally, this time the universe will let them get it right.

it's in the bitter cold of winter that he feels the warmth of emily prentiss settle deep into his bones. it's slow, but it's beautiful, and they're still just friends but he can feel the promise of something more.

except with spring comes a new storm. the kind that you don't see coming until it's too late and your whole ship is under crashing waves and thunderous skies. just when he thinks things are finally looking up, emily just... slips through his fingers. it's slow, and it's well hidden, and it's not until he finds himself staring at her gun and badge in her draw that he realises they're in the middle of a hurricane. he feels something inside him break a little, but he ignores it - right now nothing matters other than getting her back, alive and _safe._

it's not until he finds himself sat in her hospital room that he lets the immensity of the situation fully consume him. his chest constricts and his eyes blur, and god he can't believe he's going to have to let her go again after he'd gotten so close to having everything.

her eyes flicker open, and he succumbs to a moment of selfishness that has him basking in the relief he sees in her face when she spots him. he gives them both that moment of peace, because he knows what he's about to say will rip any peace she could have had, that they could have had, to shreds.

he tells her that she's dead, and the tears that well in her eyes have all of his own feelings bubbling up and god he just _has_ to say something, has to tell her - he can't leave things unsaid, not again, not after everything. but she must see something in his face because she catches him before he even opens his mouth.

_don't - please. i can't, hotch._

and he understands, of course he does, because the second they put this, _them,_ into words - he won't be able to let her go. and he can't be selfish, not with her, so instead he just holds onto her hand and pushes everything down. he needs to keep her safe, and if letting her go is the only way to do it, that's what he'll do.

it's cruel, he thinks, that this is what they are to each other. how many times must they sit at each other's bedsides, forced to leave the weight of buried emotions and unspoken feelings at the door, before the universe finally leaves them be?

_five._

the fifth time, he lets go.

when she returns, everything has changed - she's not the same person as she was before. (neither is he, he thinks, because living without her affected him more than he's prepared to admit)

so he gives her time, just as she did for him after foyet, after haley. it's he, now, who turns up at her apartment with bags of takeout and hours of distraction, and lets her lean on him. and that's all it is, because he can see that she's still recovering and he won't ask her for more when he knows she's not there yet.

when he gets on the plane in houston to find her waiting for him, hands clenched beneath the table and tears welling in her eyes, his heart breaks for her all over again. he goes home with her that night, and holds her as she cries into his chest and eventually passes out from exhaustion. he should leave, he thinks, should put her to bed and go back to his own apartment. but he can't bare to wake her, not when this is the most peaceful he's seen her in months. so he stays there on her couch, her body curled into his, and strokes her hair until the early hours of the morning.

she buys him breakfast the next day as a thank you, and things are different again but she still holds him at an arm's length. he doesn't push. she just needs more time, he tell himself. that's all it is.

but then he hears her on the phone to clyde easter, and there's a pit of fear growing in his stomach that turns to a punch to the gut when he talks to her at JJ's wedding. he almost wishes he doesn't know her as well as he does - wishes he didn't know what was about to happen just from the look on her face. part of him isn't surprised - there's a bone deep exhaustion in her these days that never seems to fade. the ghost of ian doyle lingers, a constant shadow in her life, and it breaks his heart, but he knows this is something he can't protect her from.

so he makes the most of their time together that night, and allows himself small mercies he normally wouldn't. he pulls her in for a dance, letting his hand brush low on her waist as she fits up against his body. he feels delicate fingers stroke over his back in response, and he figures the champagne's getting to his head because he can't stop the murmur that slips out of him.

_you look beautiful_

it's nothing, a mere scratch along the surface of aching emotions he feels for her, but he knows it's the most he can get away with. he glances down at her, watches a blush graze her cheeks as she ducks her head down with a smile, and it makes his heart clench because he can’t bare to think about what tomorrow will bring. but here, with her wrapped in his arms, it's easy to pretend, easy to convince himself that he won't have to say goodbye to her again. so he gives himself that small mercy, just for the night, and lets himself forget the cruel hand the universe has dealt them.

he goes to see her the next morning, as promised, but with every metre he gets closer to her apartment, the choking feeling in his throat and the burning in his eyes gets worse and worse. he knows what his role must be here, and it's not the one he wants. but there's little he wouldn't do for her, so he plays the proud boss. tells her he'll miss her, that they all will, but that he understands and that this is a great opportunity for her. that she'll be amazing.

he plays his role well - as much as he wants to, he doesn't ask her to stay, because it wouldn't be fair. the gratefulness he sees in her eyes almost makes it worth it. almost.

it seems fitting, somehow, that this is where they end. their lives have been an intertwining of thunderous storms, brutal and treacherous and ruthless. but together, they have always been a quiet quiet sea. they rise, and they fall, but now - now he thinks they're sinking. so they end with a whisper, and watch as all the things they left unsaid float away with the waves.

_after._

after, there's a couple of times they find themselves together again. but there always seems to be something else in the way, and honestly, he thinks it's for the best because he still feels the same way he did back then, and he doesn't trust himself to not do something stupid. after JJ, he catches her eyes across the bar and his heart skips as he sees the heat he feels in his gut reflected in her eyes. later, there's a moment where they head out of the stifling bar to get some fresh air, the sobering calm of night replacing the loud clamour of drunken patrons. under the glow of the moon they speak in hushed tones, and when she grows cold he wraps his jacket around her shoulders, wondering what would happen if he finally closed the gap between them. he almost gives in, but the part of him not clouded by the warmth of her smile and the dizzying smell of her perfume thinks that as much as his heart still aches for her, after everything they've been through they deserve so much more than just one night. so instead, he tucks her hair behind her ear like he'd wanted to all those years ago, and feels the sad smile she gives him burn itself into his memory.

the final time, he naively hopes he's managed to tuck all those feelings away into a box only to be opened in his most vulnerable moments, but as he hugs her in a new york bullpen, he realises he couldn't have been more wrong. he watches her settle back into their family as if she'd never been gone, and he feels a wave of melancholy wash over him. she's crossed the atlantic to be there, but he can still feel an ocean between them, littered with buried feelings and missed opportunities.

this is who they are, he thinks.

maybe it was all they were ever destined to be.

( _ ~~six.~~_

when she eventually finds her way back, it's for all the wrong reasons. she stays, because it was his final request, and there was a part of her that always knew that one day, when she returned to DC, it would be for him. except this was never how she pictured it.

so she does what she does best. she painstakingly packs away every little moment she'd let herself hold onto, and pushes it down, down, down. she feels like she's drowning, and wonders if she's just had to bury the one thing keeping her afloat.

she'll never see him again, she realises, and she decides that fate is a cruel, cruel thing. she thinks that if the timing had been different, if maybe they'd been fated to meet under different circumstances, they would have been breathtaking.)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! eprcntiss on tumblr if you want to chat <3


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